Parents can and should work together after a divorce. Parenting after a divorce does not have to be difficult. No matter what led you and your spouse to divorce, the one thing you’ll always be is a parent to your children. Texas family courts encourage parents to work together to co-parent their children with their children’s best interests in mind. While the marital relationship is ending, the parenting relationship is not.
Parents who can set aside their own personal hurts over the marital relationship and focus instead on supporting their children, help their children feel safe and loved by both parents. But even so-called “amicable” divorces experience difficulties, especially when it comes to co-parenting children. Quality interactions are important, especially at the beginning. Getting to the “new normal” takes time for all parties involved, and the more supportive both parents can be to the children and to each other, the better. It’s important for parents to be emotionally present for children and active participants in everyday life.
Successful Co-Parenting
Every family is different so there is no set formula for co-parents to follow. Good communication between parents though is important, so keep communication channels open. Many conversations will be about pick-up times, extracurricular activities, healthcare decisions, and other day-to-day tasks around your children’s needs. This means talking and arriving at decisions together and not one parent ordering the other around.
The first step is to consider your custody arrangement, known in Texas as a “possession schedule.” Much will depend on the distance between the two parents’ residences. For parents who live less than 50 miles apart, the standard possession schedule may be assigned by the court. Try and anticipate the details of physical living arrangements, transportation, holiday, and vacation schedules to name a few, as you work up a schedule. Build into your custody arrangements clear guidelines as to all this. Once you two have a plan, be responsible and stick to it. Be dependable and respectful of your co-parent’s time.
The court has additional options for parents who live more than 50 miles apart and over 100 miles apart. Because of distance, one parent will have less time physically with the children. The primary custodial parent can facilitate the relationship by making sure their children have ample time to talk, facetime, or whatever with the long distant parent. Again the goal is to make your children feel loved and supported by both parents.
Going forward, it’s vital to set aside your personal feelings about your former spouse for the sake of your children. Ultimately it will benefit your mental health too. Don’t discuss the reason or terms of your divorce with them, nor say anything negative about the other parent. Don’t ask your children to “pass messages” to the other parent, or question them about the other parent’s circumstances. They may feel like they must choose one parent over another, which can undermine co-parenting. Keeping them away from the conflict with their other parent will help them adjust to the transition. Let them develop their own parent-child relationship which is very different from the marital relationship you once shared with a former spouse.
Make Everything About The Children
Because the marital relationship is legally over (or will be soon), you’ll need to treat your former spouse differently. Think of them as a “business partner” rather than a “marriage partner” as you did before. Your children’s welfare is the main concern for both parents and you want that “business” to be a success. Maybe have a regular “appointment” with your former spouse to discuss your children’s affairs to ensure that both of you are on the same page. If you’re not initially, chatting about it can help you come to an acceptable compromise, or maybe you understand and go along with your co-parents thinking. When it comes to co-parenting, your former spouse is not the enemy. Instead, they are your partner working towards the same goal of happy healthy well-adjusted children.
Divorce is hard and especially on children. They often worry about what will happen to them after divorce. Make sure they understand that the divorce is not about them and that they will always have the support of both of you. And then show them through positive co-parenting that they are safe and loved.
A successful co-parent relationship also demonstrates to children about conflict resolution and solving a problem themselves can work. This also offers children a healthier example so that they can maintain stronger relationships themselves.
Coordinating Parenting Communication
One way to keep communication flowing is with technology. This may be especially helpful when the other parent is not keeping up with communications. For a parent who simply won’t cooperate with an agreed-upon or court-ordered parenting plan, apps and another tech can also keep records of visitations, interactions, and even expenditures.
The idea is to choose something that works for you as well as the other parent. Use their trial periods before signing up to make sure they’re something everyone will use.
Since many people have Gmail, a Google Calendar is an easy and free tool for making schedules. Create a separate calendar for your children’s schedules and share it with the other parent, giving them access too.
Cozi is a simple family-oriented calendar program with both a free and paid tier that helps parents coordinate schedules and includes to-do and shopping list functions. A coordinated calendar keeps everyone on the same page.
2Houses is an app designed specifically for co-parenting couples who are separated or divorced. Parents have access to a shared calendar, a custody journal for sharing information, a messaging app (from which messages can’t be deleted), finances, a journal for sharing, and an “information bank” to keep all their children’s important information, medical records, and other data that you might need quickly. This everything-in-one-place solution means that everything can be stored in the app for easy access anytime, on a smartphone or a PC.
Let Wendy L. Hart Help With Divorce, Custody, and other Family Law Matters
Wendy L. Hart is an experienced family law attorney helping people throughout Tarrant County with divorce and child custody issues. We represent both men and women in family law matters. Use our online contact form, or call us at (817) 842-2336 for an appointment.
